Friday, December 17, 2004
the grass will always. always. always. be greener on the other side.
i recall how much less pain i felt when i was still waiting for you.
then you came.
with sunshine, laughter, life. and every possible good.
but sometimes, all i could taste is bitterness.
and all i could see are the hurt and tears which i willingly cage myself within.
Please teach me. help me learn.
to make the choice to hang on to the bright sparks amidst all that darkness.
it is not easy.
i wish i was stronger.
to fight that choking feeling. the knots in the throat.
when it is time again to say the right words.
sometimes, i need to let the monster take over.
just to feel a little more human again.
i came to realise how detestable i have become in your eyes.
but you have no right. at all. to abuse that word.
for all the time you made us give up.
for all the hesitation you made us feel.
for all the lies we made up just to protect you.
for the shaky start to our journey just to calm you down.
for all the times i felt like giving up.
all i got in return to what we did for you was that harsh word.
the feeling of being unwelcome in a group i was meant to belong to
and to give up our time together.
all the fun and friendships.
i know i have won. in a very very warped sense of the word.
yet the victory is so so so tainted. unrecognisable. even worthless.
with all that jealousy. hurt. lies. tears.
i feel like i have lost.
i dread to know that you already established childishness as an excuse.
that he wants me to understand your behaviour. all the time.
that you can be totally insensitive to how others feel
just because you are younger.
or have shown such tendencies before.
am i supposed to be subjected to her cold shoulder
totally unnecessary emotional abuse
just because she has childishness as an excuse?
am i supposed to wave it off nonchalantly?
then what is the point of fighting my battles
just to say the right words
when she could simply get away
without even needing to account for all the hurt she caused.
you said you will call her about this.
but there is nothing to say. nothing to change. nothing to apologize for.
in her world, i will always be a bloody bitch. thief. criminal.
in your eyes, it was simply just another instance of wilfuness.
or perhaps i should just get used to this?
it is no use retaliating.
i have no excuse for reacting like she did.
not after i have built an image of logic and rationality.
while i self-mutilate behind all those glorious light and goodness.
with the simplist wish that you cherish my efforts
and not take it for granted.
the little oven posted at 1:54 AM
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